LOCKED AND LOADED FOR WHEN HE RETURNS IN JANUARY
LOCKED 🐎
AND 🐎
LOADED 🐎
our team's holiday lunch is tomorrow
Carlos previously declined the meeting
BUT, I JUST CHECKED, AND HE'S SINCE REVERSED AND ACCEPTED IT
WE'RE IN FOR A BUMPY ROAD TOMORROW FOLKS
I MIGHT GET RUMBLED
"okay so back in July, this horse is sitting here. Without the girl or the saddle. No explanation."
"no saddle?"
"and then on Wednesdays, I put up these signs... Humpday."
"and then THESE started showing up. have you perchance checked the DATE. guess what day it is. perhaps you missed it. and then THIS ONE shows up."
"hmmm"
"yeehaw partner, guess ya ain't all that observant. they took the TIME to take pictures every time..."
"oh my god"
"i REALLY thought it was Tom. But it ain't."
"Yeah that smells like Tom"
"he was at lunch with me!"
"he's got an accomplice. hey Tom, you got an accomplice?"
"they talking shit about you back here Tom!"
"Carlos is still denying it??"
"yeah he's blaming it on ME."
"he's blaming it on Steve"
"still denying it. Just remember y'all, one day you're gonna get CAUGHT."
"well i ain't have to worry about that"
"what's gonna happen when you go on vacation? they gotta do something big"
"Tom's gonna send a real horse to your fuckin house"
"you needa set up a camera to record them"
"I did!! I did!! I've got my tablet set up with a timelapse to watch! but i didn't put it up today! i didn't put it up today and i got HORSED."
"doesn't matter. we know it's carlos. just a matter of time now."
"i'm TAKING this horse home with me. he ain't gettin this thing back. nuh uh. no way. it's MINE now."
"it's a pretty nice horse actually yeah"
"wait, is the rider a girl?"
"yup! yup!"
"oh damn i never even noticed that..."
"Carlos..."
"yep"
"Denying?"
"Yep! Says it's Steve."
"he's in town all week, huh, cause he's going to lunch with us!"
"yyyyyep!"
"we'll break him down tomorrow. we'll get it out of him"
"tell him we dusted the hoofprints. tell him he left the EVIDENCE behind. he'll fall for it."
AAAAAAAAAAAA TOMORROW IS GONNA BE ROUGH I KNEW IT
the fact that they've been discussing this nonstop for the last 2 hours with anyone who happens to wander past tells you exactly how much work gets done in this place
i think next time i'll have to stay late on a monday, and leave the payload there after everyone else goes home -- he's never here on mondays, only one of them is
i'll miss the initial reaction but i'll get him discussing it with the others all day once i'm here
HMMMM
plenty of time to plan it out, at any rate
THE NEXT HORSEDAY OPERATION WON'T BE TIL JANUARY 7TH, DUE TO HOLIDAY INTERFERENCE
MARK YOUR CALENDARS, FOLKS
HAPPY FUCKIN HORSEDAY Y'ALL
OVER AND OUT, HOOOOOO RAH
the horses are a frequent topic of conversation at every team meeting
he suspects everyone around him
all of them suspect someone named Brent who works on a different floor
very little suspicion is directed at me
jokes about Carlos doodling horses in his notebook are common, and expected, but i don't think anyone seriously suspects him at this point (they probably grilled him yesterday morning)
we all know where he lives, so he says he's expecting a severed horse head on his doorstop while he's on vacation
🚨 HAPPY CRIMBUS Y'ALL 🚨
i snuck into the dark creepy building with no power on xmas for this
HOO RAH
walking up unpowered escalators is fuckin creepy in a dark ass lobby btw
i went back again folks
🐎🐎🐎 HOWDY CHRISTMAS AND A CLOPPY NEW YEAR 🐎🐎🐎
(
)
the sad thing is
he's gonna get back to work on the 6th
unaware that horseday shenanigans have happened on both holiday Tuesdays
and he's gonna get in at like 5 or 6 AM like the lunatic that he is
so we don't get to witness his initial reaction to any of it
i'm at a cracker barrel and i'm quite certain that my co-worker could use a nice candle to brighten up his desk
"you got any horse stuff?"
me: "probably not, eh? no one's been here for three weeks"
"yep. yep. remember my note? 'leave cash next time'? they left THIS."
"...where do you even get stuff like that?"
"i have no idea. no clue."
"amazon?"
"and they bought me a $20 book too! somebody's willing to spend MONEY on this prank."
"the perfect horse..." (he snorts loudly)
me: "is that a note?"
"yep. yep."
"handwriting. that's evidence!"
me: "you gotta compare that to people's handwriting around here"
"looks like a lady's handwriting to me... dudes don't write like that. look at the a's. right zoey?"
me: "yeah, looks like it. don't recognize it though"
"yeah exactly, no one writes shit these days, it's all electronic. this doesn't help"
"i bet it's Donna."
(skeptical, pointing) "Donna???"
"no, not that Donna, prankster Donna."
"hmmmm. yeah, maybe. i dunno when she's even been up here though."
"i still say it's Carlos."
i had Lux write the note (@dubsteppenwolf) and she intentionally wrote differently and carefully, he'll never find someone to compare it to cuz it's written by someone he's never met
lol
godsdamnit i just heard him shouting "DONNA. DONNA." and realized that the big heated discussion for the last hour I've been ignoring with headphones switched from work to horses at some point and i missed it
woops
they're talking about the horses
"[...] heck, i was a little disappointed yesterday, when nothing appeared. i was waiting for it. waiting for it."
"it *was* tuesday"
"yep. yep. somehow someway donna or brian know i'm onto them. i ain't stressed about it, don't bother me none."
"well *I* think it's Brent."
"Brent?"
"Brent."
"it couldn't be! here, look at this handwriting. you think *that's* from *Brent*???"
"hrmmm."
"why didn't i get horsed yesterday? i swear they know when i have the camera up and they don't come anywhere near here. they know."
"but how could they know?"
"cuz one of YOU are an ACCOMPLICE."
laughter all around
oh god he's back already that was way too close
OH GOD HE FOUND IT IMMEDIATELY I CAN HEAR THE WRAPPING PAPER CRINKLING
I CAN HEAR LOTS OF CRINKLING AND LOTS OF TEXT MESSAGING
THE TEXTS HAVE NOT STOPPED
HE HAS NOT APPROACHED
I HAVE PUT IN EARBUDS AND HAVE A SCREENSHOT OF A CONFERENCE CALL ON MY SCREEN SO THAT HE BELIEVES I'VE BEEN BUSY THIS WHOLE TIME
I HAVE NOT CHANCED EVEN THE SLIGHTEST OF GLANCES BEHIND ME
WHO IS HE TEXTING? WHAT ARE THEY REPLYING? I AM TYPING GIBBERISH INTO NOTEPAD BETWEEN POSTING THESE UPDATES BECAUSE I AM A DILIGENT EMPLOYEE WHO CARES VERY MUCH ABOUT HER WORK AND HAS NO TIME FOR "PRANKS"
to be honest i don't really have a clue what i'm supposed to be doing right now or most days
do i have tasks today? i sure as fuck don't know, and no one else seems to know either
what do i do here? what even is an office? who the fuck knows
HE MOVED IT TO THE FRONT OF HIS DESK AT SOME POINT
THE TEXTS CONTINUE, UNABATED
HE DIDNT UNWRAP IT??? WHAT WAS ALL THAT CRINKLING????? WAS HE SEARCHING FOR CLUES? DID I LEAVE A LONGASS ZOEYHAIR AT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME????
I don't think I mentioned this in the thread earlier, but they found one of my hairs a month ago when I added the rider to the horse
my hair goes down to my waist, it's incredibly long, and the single black hair they found was about 4 feet long .... YYYYYEP THAT'S ME
this is when they had formed The Tribunal and these donkeys immediately ruled me out because "WELL THE HAIR'S NOT RED, SO IT CAN'T HAVE COME FROM ZOEY" because they have zero idea how hair works (to be fair, most of them don't have much hair left i guess)
they instead starting teasing the target "EY YOU BEEN HAVIN GIRLS COMING OVER TO YOUR CUBE BUD?"
i sat over here in disbelief the entire time
oh i forgot the picture to accompany the entry before last! Here You Go
anyway how they came to the conclusion that 100% of my hair is dyed red when i very obviously and very intentionally did a black and red thing, and was sitting RIGHT HERE IN EYESIGHT WITH PLENTY OF BLACK HAIR, continues to be beyond me
they've never brought it up again
they all immediately wrote it off and forgot
OKAY WHO IS TEXTING HIM, WHO IS HE TEXTING, WHAT ARE THEY PLOTTING, WHAT ARE THEY SAYING?????? THE TEXTS STILL HAVE NOT STOPPED
IS HE IN A HORSE DETECTIVE GROUP CHAT??????????
OKAY GANG WE'RE SAFE
he just called me over to show me the candle
he has no idea that it was only there for like 47 seconds before he found it, he rarely pays attention to that shelf but went for a salt shaker to put on some eggs and went "AH SON OF A BITCH" when he immediately noticed the lurking horse
he doesn't know whether it showed up last week or today
"IT CONTINUES"
me: "where the hell do you even get a horsehead candle???"
"I DUNNO, I DUNNO. -laughing- look at this damned thing"
@killeveryhetero it's gonna escalate to the point where you're gonna need like a pinup horse calendar soon
@wobin fuck there's no way this doesn't already exist
i could pin it to his cube wall behind his monitors
@killeveryhetero @wobin I feel like a horse calendar would be topical, given the connection to Day Of The Week that started all this...
@infernusgoatus @killeveryhetero oh god, you could -highlight- each Horseday with a sharpie
@wobin @killeveryhetero HAHA I was literally in the middle of typing a follow-up saying, "Bonus points if you go through and circle every Tuesday."
@wobin @infernusgoatus horse and star stickers