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It is still very hard for me to focus. Ideally, I need time out, but I am permitted to work until the end of the year, and I need every damn cent from the budgeted time.

Not going anywhere in particular with this, just getting it out of my head.

Right here, right now, I am my worst enemy.

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Right here and now, there are two things in my life that are about to run out.

1) My ability to take valium, in order to function with massive anxiety.

2) Employment/Income, primary cause of said anxiety.

I’m trying to focus on the nice things in life; I brought a certain amount of beauty to my workspace (formerly a trash heap) whilst hypomanic and have cracked open the blind (formerly closed because sinus issues had made me photophobic) to look at the beautiful view.

Just gone through 8 personal and one held in trust for a former client :birdsite: accounts - all emails updated to my ProtonMail account (some were with Yandex,) 2FA on everything, backup codes recorded.

I now have one elusive account, the name of which I can't remember...

So - just had a notification from LonkedIn that the guy with whom I negotiated the hosting contract I’m about to cancel - now has a new job. Guess I won’t need to explain why/what I am doing, then.

Got suspended on :birdsite: for - daring to do a password reset. (Not my primary.)

@TechnicalKO Still trying to go the Vagrant route. Worked OK on the Mac Mini, put trying to do it on my Ubuntu laptop, I find that the distributed DEB of Vagrant doesn't support current checksums. So now having to download a DEB direct from Vagrant, to try again.

At least download speeds are being a bit more reasonable today.

Status (whilst trying to download Laravel) - trying to remember how to do impedance calculations so that I can make a balun to hook up a TV in a room with no socket, but with CAT5 - so 75Ω unbalanced to 100Ω balanced.

An error occurred while downloading the remote file. The error
message, if any, is reproduced below. Please fix this error and try

OpenSSL SSL_read: SSL_ERROR_SYSCALL, errno 54

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But - it's very English. I've seen a couple of toots in what I think is Japanese, a thread in German, and one in Italy.

Was hoping to find Swedish/Dutch content, but guess I'll have to stick to my :birdsite: primary for that.

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I needed a social media distraction, so have just been replying to a few people on the federated feed. It's really quite interesting, don't know if it's time of day because, last time I dipped my toes in, I bailed hard and fast.

Because I'm looking for work, I've unlocked. Wonder if I'll regret this.


How good is valium?

Got triggered earlier, in a state of severe anxiety.

Now - just tired. Brain calmed sufficiently to get on with some work.

Can't use it long-term, but tides me through to my GP on Monday.

I actually got to make a joke today where I was able conflate TMI (Too Much information) with TMI (Three Mile Island) and have to say I'm rather pleased about that.

And also some obscure stuff about submarine propulsion.

Fuck, yeah!

First appointment with physician (specialist, in billing terms) - would be at least a Schedule B consult - bulk billed.

Checked with MRI place - because ordered as such by specialist, MRI brain/pituitary/sinus ALSO BULK BILLED!

I just have to stump up $40 for hire of the ambulant blood pressure monitor.

I love socialised healthcare.


Also, when recounting a story, said "fuck off" very quietly. I'm here for sweary doctors - actually increases my trust.

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Trying to figure what was the point of going to the doctor on Monday. Other than an unremarkable chest x-ray, I'm still presenting with the same symptoms a week after they appeared. See what my own GP says on Monday, I guess.


Very nice guy, thorough, not judgey/dismissive of anything. Thryoid panel to review HRT, sinus/brain/pituitary MRI and, for the first time, ambulant blood pressure monitoring. Reckons my hypertension might be "industrial grade white-coat," so wants NOCTURNAL readings which, if more normal, will recommend they stop taking my blood pressure!

And totally says I've got anxiety issues, wants more data but may medicate.

And he bulk-billed. n/n

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