I think this is probably one of the coolest video's i've ever seen
Those movies you know so well you can watch them as a radio plays. #montypythonandtheholygrail
It's like the sky opened up and gave me a gift. I now know who I am and what I want. and i'm the same as everyone else except I've never heard it in these terms.
"I want a partner who I can work together with to fulfill our wildest dreams, whatever they may be"
it's such a simple statement, and something I have felt forever just never had the phrase to explain it. And perhaps i dream a little big, but whatever.
My life appears to keep getting worse, not better. It's an illusion in my head, but that doesn't make it any less difficult to deal with. I'm really struggling and i have no avenues of support that work. I honestly don't know how to escape from this funk that has settled on my existence, and i'm hoping something happens soon because something is going to happen, it must, people can do insane things to escape their pain.
Its like the skies a parted and the doors to the future were opened right in front of my very ears.
Such a simple thought and the reasons I'm sad most of the time mellts away.
That person I was and those people that were around when those bad things happened don't exist anymore, I'm significantly different to who I was, and so must they be.. so its a sort of birth of an idea that you aren't who you think you were, so this new person you are, was born when you weren't looking, who are they?
I think a fundamental problem with humans happens when they lose faith that what they do has meaning, and the way they do it expresses that meaning even down to the mundane actions you take each day. Even if you don't put any effort into it. Even if you don't notice. You rarely get credit for that value even though it exists in every facet of your life.
So... Thank you.
You matter and what you do matters and has value, thank you for waking up every day and working on your passions.
The strangest cognitive dissonance I experience is to genuinely want to improve the existence of others, and yet sometimes take actions that would negatively impact their lives, either out of necessity, or plain old everyday selfishness.. and honestly it's terrifying to observe yourself when that happens. because it raises question of how much control the average person has over their behaviour? is this normal? am i above the average? or below it? does it matter? We're doing the best we can.
So it took a week to return to mostly normal, and then a strange falling out with one of my longest running friends happened which took me by surprise, and made me doubt where there was no doubt before. I've been seriously contemplating moving to Melbourne and looking for work. I definitely need to move somewhere other than here, I feel like I've worn out my welcome in Adelaide simply by existing without socially accepted personal development. It only took 37 years of being a wierdo loser.
OK looks like the battle over vulnerability isn't in the moment, but is in the recovery period. This week has been super hard for my mental health. My self talk has been super negative, and whilst intellectually I know that what I say to myself is not true, unfortunately that doesn't help with the feelings. I could do with a win, but as I get older the wins come fewer and farther between, or rather the rewards feel less and less. I guess thats why its so tempting to turn to self medication.
I am a meat popsicle
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